Okay, as promised, I'm updating again. So much stuff...
As mentioned in the previous post, this one will be about my trip to Cancun, Mexico. But first, a little pre-story.
BEFORE CANCUN
A coworker of mine was leaving to go work for another company. Hurray to him. He managed to get out. As is the customary thing to do for your friends when they're moving on to a new place, you hold a party. So, we did.
The place we went to is called
Dave and Buster's. I love this place. It's a restaurant, bar and arcade all rolled into one.
Anyway, the drinks were flowing. I was having fun. Some old coworkers were there. I quickly became the hit of the party, as well. My buddy Mike revealed that I give good backrubs (he's on my bowling team, and I've worked on his back a couple times when he pulls it), so, I quickly have a row of women eager for me to practice my craft on them. I work for booze, so, I continue to drink.
Then the dares start.
As I said, I've massaged Mike in public places. I'm confident in my sexuality and it doesn't phase me. Same with him. So, we tend to show off, hugging each other, rubbnig each other's shoulders, kissing on the cheek, whatever.
I then revealed that there is a line I won't cross - touching genitalia or kissing on the lips.
Then the aforementioned women dared me to grab his crotch.
Alcohol + pretty girls + me = What the hell.
So, I grabbed his crotch for a split second.
Everyone laughs, but Mike is complaining I didn't do it long enough.
So, I do it again.
Longer.
Everybody is laughing hysterically, I'm showing off, threatening the other guys that I'm going to grab their balls too. Mike is complimenting me on my gentle touch. For one reason or another, I grab him again later.
So, like I said, I'm the life of the party.
Then comes the invite.
"Hey, Freddie, we're all going to Cancun in a few weeks - wanna go?"
"Well, I've got money in the bank. Sure!"
So, I'm invited. Turns out that there's 8 of us now all set to go to Cancun.
Jeff (he's my roomie when I get there)
Michelle and Glenn
Lynn and Lee
Tom and Pat
As I'm sure you noticed, all of those mentioned are couples, with the exception of Jeff and I, and I've already demonstrated my ball grabbing techniques. Let's just say the rumor mill was in full swing.
After a little wheeling and dealing in the office and with Jeff to change his rooms, it's all set, and I'm off to...
CANCUN!
Because I was an afterthought, I'm on a seperate flight from everyone else, and I'm the last one to arrive at the resort,
Moon Palace. The resort is all inclusive, which, in the words of Jeff includes "food, booze, booze and booze." We're actually on what's called the Mexican Riviera, which is south of Cancun proper.
The funny thing about Cancun is that it's new. The city, resorts, everything. 30 years ago, it was just jungle. Developers came in and built it from scratch, creating the party mecca it is today. People travel from all over Mexico for the opportunity to work in the resorts and clubs because of the influx of tourist money.
Anyway, enough history (for now).
I get to the resort and it's beautiful. Right on the carribean, huge pools, free booze. It's great. I get into our room, and there's a note there from Jeff to me -
"Meet us at the big pool."
So, I'm off to figure out where the big pool is. Soon enough I find it, and wander around until I find the crew. They are all already blitzed. This is definately going to be a fun vacation. I start getting ready to jump in the water when they tell me to go get some more drinks first. As I'm leaving, Lynn yells "Something with banana!" So, with my mission given, off I go to the bar.
Now, this pool has 5 or 6 bars surrounding it, two of them being swim up bars. I go to one of the other ones, the "Swing Bar", aptly named because there are swings instead of bar stools around it. They're busy, so, I'm waiting for the bar tenders to get to me. When one of them finally do I just tell him "I need 8 of something with banana in them."
Needless to say, he gives me an odd look.
"Look, man. That's all I know. I need 8 drinks with banana in them."
"Okay. I'll take care of you."
So, off he goes to the blender. While I'm waiting, up walks Jeff, completely shitfaced.
Jeff: "Freddie! What'sh taking sho long?"
Me: "He's doing the order now."
Jeff: "We need more drinks!"
Me: "How much have you had?"
Jeff: "Not enough."
The bar tender gets back, then we increase the order with "We also need 8 Rum and Cokes."
Off he runs again.
Jeff and I continue to chat, waiting for the drinks. Turns out the "Something With Banana" are Funky Monkeys. The bar tender returns with the Run & Cokes, and off we go to take them back to the group, with Jeff weaving back and forth.
I'm eager to get the party started for myself, so, I quickly chug three of the Funky Monkeys, and into the pool I go. We're swimming, horsing around, chatting. Jeff then gets out of the pool and lays down on one of the lounge chairs. The rest of us are in the water still, when Jeff gets up and heads to the room. Everyone is discussing dinner, then we break up about 15 minutes after Jeff's departure.
I get back in the room just to catch Jeff in the final throes of puking into the toilet.
Me: "What time did you get here?"
Jeff: "3:30."
Me: "It's 7:00 now. Congratulations! 3 and a half hours! NEW RECORD!"
Jeff was not amused, then climbed into bed and went to sleep. I got to break the news to everyone else at the restaurant (also part of the all inclusive deal). Lots of jokes were made at Jeff's expense.
After dinner, everyone goes their seperate ways. I head back to the room to crash. I walk in, start dropping my pants to climb into bed when Jeff sits up and says "I'm ready to go back out." So, up the pants go again.
We start walking around the resort, picking up drinks at the various bars, then walk over to the other lobby. Yes, you read that right. The OTHER lobby! This resort is so big they have two of them. As we're walking through it, we see Lee and Lynn with someone else - Lianne. She's a friend of Lynn's from Canada who is at the resort for her brother's wedding. Jeff met her once, but this is the first time for me. We exchange pleasantries, then continue drinking. After a while, Jeff and I head back to the room and crash.
END OF DAY ONE
We all meet for breakfast. Jeff and I are the first to arrive, so, we hit the bar. Nothing like a Jack & Coke with scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast. Ahhh... This is life.
After breakfast, everyone heads to the pool. I put on the sun screen lotion, then hop in the pool. I go to take one stroke and OUCH! I wrench my shoulder. I had actually pulled it a couple of weeks prior at work, but this was excruciating. I clumb out of the water, sit on a lounge chair and drink instead of swimming.
Note what I skipped when getting out of the water. Putting on more sun screen.
My friends have seen my pictures. I'm not saying anything about race, heritage, nationality or anything when I say this. I'm white. I'm really white. Not quite albino white, but I'm white. Let's just say Doctors never have a problem seeing my veins. You getting the idea here?
So, I burned. I burned weirdly, though. I stayed in the same spot throughout the morning. I have a gut. The sun screen went blotchy because of the water. I ended up with a burn across my shoulders, on my head (I'm balding, too), just the right side of my gut, and the right side of my back.
Oh, and the insides of both my calves. I have big feet. They lay on the outside. Sue me.
Lynn puts together a group of us (her, Lee, Jeff, Glenn and I) to go to
Chich'en Itza the next day. More on that when the time comes...
So, it's now noon, I'm burned, my shoulder is aching, and I'm tired of sitting there, so, I return to the room to take a shower and a nap. Instead of the nap, though, I take a look at the hammock on the patio (yes, all the rooms have patios and hammocks) and decide to read the book I brought with me. I spend the next few hours reading in peace, looking at the ocean, watching the people walk past below and rubbing my shoulder.
I finally return to the group to find Lianne has joined us. After a while, everyone decides we'll meet for dinner. I'm already dressed, so, I just wander around the resort waiting for everyone to get to the restaurant. Take a few pictures, but, for the most part, I'm bored out of my mind. I head back to the room to find Jeff watching TV. In spanish. I sit on my bed and we start laughing while listening to the voice overs on
Charmed.
Soon enough, it's time to head to dinner. Again, Jeff and I are the first to arrive. During the course of the day, I had discovered the Miami Vice. Half Pina Colada, half Strawberry Daquirre. Very good. :) So, we kill time waiting by drinking. Sensing the theme of this vacation yet?
Eventually, everyone is there and the dinner conversation starts. We come to find out that about half of our motley crew are all Libras. Jeff, Lianne, Michelle and I (Michelle and I are both 9/24). So, our side of the table descends into talking about personalities, people's interactions, various psychological tests, etc. Fun stuff for us, boring for everyone else. Who cares.
After dinner, we head over to the other lobby for some Karaoke. We're trying to figure out what (if anything) we want to do, while a family from Britain keeps doing different songs. Jeff comes to call them the Von Trapps. Tom arrives a little later than the rest of us, then he gets up and starts belting out some Frank Sinatra classics. The man's got a good voice.
At one point, the guys running it get Lianne and Michelle to get up on stage with some other women from the audience. They then compete in a contest to who can sing Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!" the best. Complete with wig and feather boa.
Everyone gives it their all, and our girls end up in the final three, with Lianne ultimately bringing it home! Her prize - a t-shirt and a bottle of tequila! Hey, it is Mexico, remember?
After the Von Trapps start singing "Summer Loving" (again), we decide it's time to head out. Lianne splits, with the rest of us going to the resort dance club to party down. Lee and Glenn don't do the dancing thing, so, it's Jeff, Michelle, Lynn, Tom, Pat and I having fun on the floor. Soon, Tom & Pat head out, and it's just the four of us. Eventually Glenn joins in for a while, then the music turns weird, like "Sweet Home Alabama" to dance to. Okay for a country western bar, but a dance club in Cancun? Hmm...not for me.
Everyone eventually heads back to their rooms, looking forward to another day in the fun tomorrow.
END OF DAY TWO
It's 6:30 in the morning. Jeff and I need to meet Lynn, Lee and Glenn at 7:00 for breakfast before heading to Chich'en Itza (a 3 hour bus ride). Jeff decides he's not going - too hung over from the night before. BUWAHAHA! I get up, get ready, then head out. I break the news to everyone else, who laughs appropriately. We then load up on the bus. It's completely full except for one seat - hmm, I wonder who missed it. Off we go, with our tour guide switching between english and spanish along the way, explaining about the historical significance of the site, talking about the mayan people, the sites along the way and cultural differences between Cancun and the rest of Mexico. Educational but ultimately boring.
Now, like I said earlier, I burned my inner calves, so, I wore jeans to protect my legs.
Oh, dear, God.
We got to Chich'en Itza around 11 AM. Lots of open spaces. It's dusty. It's Mexico. It's HOTTER THAN HELL! And I'm sweating profusely in my jeans.
Now, Michelle had been here before. She told us that it was a one time thing. Once youve been there, you really don't want to go back. Now I know why. I feel exactly the same way now. It was cool to see, but I'm not willing to go back due to the heat. I was so dehydrated.
Anyway, when it came time to climb the pyramid, Glenn and I started at it. He sprinted and got yelled at by the tour guide. Ha ha. I took it easy, but, as I said before, I have a gut and got winded with about 15 steps to go. Finally made it up, though.
Hell of a view.
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Anyway, we get done there, and back on the bus. We stop at a place on the way back for a crappy meal, then I pass out to sleep the rest of the ride.
Arrival back at the hotel is uneventful. It's been
10 hours since we left. I want nothing more than a nice shower and a change of clothes. When I take off my pants, my underwear has
turned blue from me sweating and the dye in the jeans running!We meet up with everyone else and head to one of the pool bars for dinner. They have steaks and seafood. Waiting to get in, I discover a new drink - Midori Balls! Now, lemme tell you - that's a bitch to remember. Particularly for me in my dehydrated and usually inebriated state. For the rest of the trip, I'd try to order it, and I'd get it wrong
ever, single time. I had to get Jeff to order it for me.
Me: "Mitori?"
Jeff: "No."
Me: "Maderi?"
Jeff: "No."
Me: "Motori?"
Jeff: "No."
Gets a little old after a while.
Anyway, I discover this drink. I like it. I like it a lot. It becomes my drink for the rest of the trip. Midori Ball, Midori Ball, Midori Ball. Yes, I know how to say it now.
After dinner, we go to watch a Mayan show. Jeff and I get bored of it real quick, so, we sit on a wall and discuss out love lives, or lack there of. Interesting conversation. Some talk of religion, sex (at which Glenn walks over to find out what we're talking about) and various other things. During this time, I'm on my 5th or 6th Midori Ball, so, I'm feeling no pain, and Jeff and I are starting to get loud.
Fun, fun, fun.
Lynn and Michelle yelled at us when the show was over. We didn't care. We went to the Swing Bar for a while, drinking yet some more, until everyone else went to bed except for Jeff and I. We wander around the resort for a while, finally ending up at, yes, you guessed it, ANOTHER BAR!
God, I love all inclusive deals.
We befriend one of the bartenders there while we drink, and we both get pretty ripped, me with my Midori Balls and Jeff with his Jack and Coke. We even get a couple shots in for good measure before we walk around the club for a while looking for something to do. We check out the possibility of stealing a golf cart - no go. We check out the bikes - chained down.
Two problems with this resort.
1) It's a family oriented resort. Lots of kids. No real singles action.
2) Because of #1, after 10, the place really dies down except for at the bars, and they close at 1!
It's after midnight, we can't find anything to do, so, we eventually head back to the room to crash again.
END OF DAY THREE
Michelle has booked everyone (except for Tom & Pat, who want to just stay by the pool) for a trip to La Isla Mujeres (The Island of Women). They have snorkling, scuba, swimming with the dolphins and some other stuff there. Unfortunately, with my shoulder, I can't really take part in any of the reindeer games. Jeff, in his hangover, doesn't particularly feel like playing either, so, the two of us crash on the beach with everyone's stuff. He sleeps, I read.
As you can see, Jeff and I spent a lot of time together, just encouraging the jokes. What was very funny was the first night with Jeff when we got back to the room. I'm in bed, he's about to get into his bed when he announces "Ready!", then he leaps into my bed with me. But, we won't talk about that night anymore...that's private.
Anyway, Lianne and the rest of her family are on this trip with us. So, we hang out some, and I meet some of the family, including the bride to be and her kids, and the grooms kids. Turns out the groom had a bottle of water which appeared to be damaged, and tasted funny, but he drank it anyway.
Apparently Montezuma was having a field day with this poor guys bowels.
Well, everyone in our group except for Jeff and I were leaving the next day because Jeff had to stay an extra day to get a special rate on his airfare or something, so, I just tagged along. It turned out that the day everyone else was going home was the day of the wedding. When Lianne found out, she talked to Lori (the Bride-to-be), who then invited us to the wedding.
Sure! What the hell!
We all loaded back onto the boat, then headed over to a small town on the island to do some shopping. I got ripped off on buying a blanket - forgot to recalculate pesos to US dollars. Oh, well, shame on me. Anyway, we loaded back on the boat to head back to Cancun, and I sat with Lianne and her 15 year old niece.
Lori - if you're reading this, DON'T READ ANY MORE!
The tequila came out on the way back. The deck hands are going around pouring it in everybody's mouths. It was pretty weak stuff - tasted like it was mixed with Koolaid. They squirt me with it - I take a good mouth full. Then they turn to the niece. After some hemming and hawing they give her a shot too! Woo hoo!
BTW: Legal age is 18 in Mexico, people.
The guys in front of us turned out to be Southern Baptists, who overheard my discussion with Lianne and her niece about religion. These guys were totally shit faced and the big talkative guy grabs a bottle and takes a chug, then passes it to me. I take a chug, then I try to pass it to Lianne.
The niece grabs it and takes a chug.
Lianne yells at me!
BUWAHAHAHAAA!
It's all fun and games.
By the time we get back to the dock, we're all in a good party mood. We manage to get onto an empty bus back to the resort before it loads up with other people, so, we're right in front. The driver has Jean Paul playing. The drunk guys get on after us (the talkative one is really hitting on Lianne, who just wants to get away from him).
Well, Jeff and I look at each other. The bus goes in motion. I grab Michelle, pull her to her feet, grap Lynn, and the four of us are dancing in the aisle of the bus. The bus driver thinks it's great. A couple people in the back of the bus get up too. We drag Lianne to her feet. Drunk Talkative Guy gets up to dance too. The bus driver now takes on his role of DJ with relish. Problem is he keeps playing the same song! We eventually get him to change it, but not before Michelle tries to do a pole dance right behind him and almost lands in his lap.
Up to this point the bus ride is definately the most fun I've had this trip. We've been drinking, we're dancing with abandon, and we're just having some good fun.
When we get back to the resort, everyone heads back to their rooms to get ready for dinner. We were going to go to the Brazilian restaurant, but it was really humid that day and it was outside, so, we opted for the Italian restaurant instead, which, it turns out, is where Lianne and her family were at.
At this point, we tried to play a joke on Jeff. We arranged for the staff to bring a cake out for him, telling them it was his birthday. Unfortunately for us, Jeff was impatient and left to get ready to go out that evening. So, we ended up getting a cake for him without him there.
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We sat there singing happy birthday to an empty chair, then we ate the cake. Baked Alaska...Mmmmm.
When I got back to the room I showed him the picture on my camera.
"Ha ha ha! You assholes! I'm glad it backfired! You have no idea how glad I am!"
Party pooper.
Anyway, we now get to the most amazing part of my vacation...
Coco Bongo.
This place was fantastic. We got there at opening (around 10:30 at night) and we got to go in first because we were with one of the resorts. We got some great seats (right next to the central bar) for the upcoming show. And I do mean show.
Imagine a dance club mixed with
Cirque du Soleil. I swear, that's what it was like. Lots of people dancing, gymnasts doing different routines, dance and impersonation acts on a stage above the dance floor. We stayed there about 3 hours, and I was mesmerized the whole time. They had girls dancing on the bar in front of us (of which Lynn & Michelle was taken up to join in on). Got some good, private pictures of a few of them.
There were also $3 tequila shots given by these girls. I had one in particular I liked. I got 4 from her. She rubbed my nipples. I liked it.
I never realized how drunk I was until I saw a picture of me later that Glenn took. Man, I was really shit faced.
Jeff wasn't feeling well and Lianne had to get up early to get hair done and whatnot, so, we called it a night and headed back to the resort.
END OF DAY FOUR
Jeff and I slept in. Everyone else called around 9 to say they were leaving.
"Yeah. Okay. Bye bye." >clunk<
We finally got up, grabbed some food, then got ready for the wedding.
You forgot about the wedding, didn't you?
We didn't.
So, we get to the gazeebo where the wedding is going to be.
There's 16 chairs.
Jeff and I are guests number 17 and 18.
Hmm...
Luckily, Lianne gets there. She gives me the grooms camera.
Lianne: "Feel like playing photographer? He wants some pics taken with his camera."
Me: "Okay."
So, for the next hour, Jeff and I each have cameras out, taking pictures all over the place during the service. The camera guy provided by the resort keeps getting in our way. We find out later that he wasn't hired by them, but, if they like his pictures, they can buy them. He considered us the "paparazzi". That was damn funny.
Here's what was even funnier.
Dan, the groom, during the service to Lori: "Do we know these two guys taking pictures?"
Lori: "They're cool. They're with me."
How cool is that???
Jeff and I go to the reception with everyone else. Luckily, there's enough chairs this time. I've become the unofficial photographer for the family. I'm just running around taking pictures of everything I can. People are posing. People are smiling.
I'm right where I belong - in the center of attention.
Jeff and I eventually decide to leave, bid everyone goodbye, give our congratulations to the Bride and Groom, then say farewell to Lianne until the next vacation she turns up on.
Now, you should know the routine now on what Jeff and I do.
That's right...
BACK TO THE BAR!
We invent a game this evening with a deck of cards. It's more luck than anything else. We each grab a pile of cards and guess what the bottom card is. To make it even more interesting, you gotta throw the suit out as well. If you guess the right number, you get the pile of cards you and the other guy drew. If you guess the right number AND the right suit, you get all the cards that are left. We named the game Kreskin after the character on Johnny Carson.
You know, when you're drunk, anything is fun.
END OF DAY FIVE
It's the final morning. We're both sluggish, but we manage to get everything together and head over to the lobby to head back to the airport. He has an earlier flight, but I opted to keep him company. So, what do we do to kill time at the airport?
NO! You're wrong! We didn't go to the bar!
We played Kreskin instead.
When his flight left, I picked up "Blood Canticle" by Anne Rice. I read half of it on the way home, and I finished it the next day. All told, over my vacation I finished one book and read two new ones.
As you can see, the last day was pretty uneventful. My skin started peeling that day though. Gave me lots of entertainment on the flight home.
Eww. Gross.
Okay, that's about enough for today. I'll continue with the other stuff tomorrow. Back to my boring day to day life.
