Shock the Monkey

Back from Jamaica.

Had fun. The resort wasn't all that, but, we had fun. There were eight of us this time. Much the same crew as in Cancun last year. This time, it was Jeff, Steve-O, Michelle, Glenn, Tom, Pat, myself and S.

As a reminder, we stayed at The Sunset Beach Resort & Spa.

The view was spectacular in Jamaica. The hotel was less than.

I've decided to institute a rating system, the "Flailing Monkey", on a scale of 0 - 5, with 5 being outstanding. There are five main criteria (Service, Food, Booze, Grounds and Extras), with a drill down in each area. The overall will be the average of these 5 criteria.

I'm willing to adjust, add and subtract from these criteria based on the response I get, so, don't be shy about asking.

Service
Front Desk
When we arrived at the hotel, they processed us in quickly enough. Then the waiting began. We got in the hotel around noon. When we got up to the desk, we were told that our rooms weren't ready yet (check in is at 3:00, checkout is at 11:00) and for us to come back in 1.5 hours. They gave us wristbands so we could go to the restaurants and bars. Okay, fine. Went back in 1.5 hours. The room still wasn't ready. "Check in is at 3:00." Fine. At 3:00, the line was long. I got in it and stood there for 20 - 30 minutes before I finally got to the desk. Steve-O and Michelle came in line with me. Their rooms were ready. Mine still wasn't. After a few calls, they determined that my room was ready and they gave me the room keys. The problem was Seve-O's and Michelle's rooms were in the tower right off from the lobby. Mine was off in the boonies for some reason. I asked about getting moved into the same tower as them when I noticed this and was told that there was a room that hadn't been exited yet there that I could transfer into, but it would be a couple of hours. Talked to S., then we decided to keep the room we were issued. We did the hike to the room. It was a good way away from everything else. When we got in, the view was pretty pathetic and the AC said it was on, it sounded like it was on, but the room didn't feel like it and there was no draft coming out of the ventilation. I called the front desk to inquire about getting that room by the lobby and they told me to come back to the desk. Again, another 10 minute wait in line. They called the room - turns out the people weren't vacating. I said the other tower (on the other side of the lobby) would be fine. They started digging and they finally found me another room in the first tower that was available - in 1.5 hours. Fine. Whatever. At this point S. went to the courtesy showers to use them and to put on some better clothes. Yeah, perhaps I should point out that we had left our house at 4:30 in the morning. It was 40F at the house when we left. We were both wearing jeans and she was wearing a sweater (I wore a jacket, but that was easy enough to take off). We were now in Jamaica, where it was close to 90F and very humid. After 1.5 hours, we finally went back to the line and they had a room available!. At least this one had the AC working and the view was that of the lobby, but it was better than what was before. To further add to the inconvenience of the front desk, we needed towel cards to get the towels. Did they give us the cards with our room keys? No. So, I had to go back later to get the towel cards. Very inefficient. Very annoying. At least they were able to help me out. 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Bar
The Bars were well placed around the resort and the bartenders never kept you waiting long. No gratiating for tips or anything. You told them what you wanted and they got it for you. Only thing the bars could have done better with respect to service would to have had barmaids going by the pools to take drink orders. 4 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Restaurant Availability
There are allegedly 5 restaurants on the resort. What it turns out to be is one quick order grill (burgers, hotdogs, jerk chicken and grilled cheese),an "English Pub" which is open for tea at 4:00, a buffet which is only open at peak hours (7:00 - 10:00, 12:00 - 2:30, 6:30 - 10:00) and two high end restaurants which are only open for dinner, offer small spaces are are by reservation only. We couldn't get a reservation for them until Sunday night at 8:00 PM. This reservation was made on Friday. On Saturday I tried to book something, and the had nothing available until Tuesday. Not very available. And the buffet, at 10:00 AM, 2:30 PM and 10:00 PM, if you weren't done eating, tough. Everything was broken down immediately. Not very accomodating, for either late risers or night people. The service at the restaurants was split. At the chinese restaurant, we were sitting for over an hour before our meal finally got there. Our waiter was a bit rude to us, as well, telling us that we couldn't order all the food we wanted. The italian restaurant's service was a bit better. It was quick and the waiter was willing to make runs to the bar to get us mixed drinks, which weren't offered in the restaurants. The short order grill was speedy - the guys working there definately busted their asses. The buffet area was sufficient for a buffet. A waiter to take away your plates and to put water in your glass. Nothing spectacular. 3 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys, and that's only because the short order guys moved fast
Cost
For all intents and purposes, the resort was cheap, including the airfare. In hindsight, there was a reason for the low price, but, it was still cheap for a Carribean vacation at $830.36 per person, so, $1660.72 for S. and I, which includes the airfare. Could always be a better value, but, it's still pretty good. 4 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Food
Quality
The food was so-so. The hotdogs at the short order grill were awful, but the burgers and jerk chicken were pretty good. The food at the Italian and Chinese restaurants were okay. Nothing spectacular about them. If I didn't need to include the deserts, this section would rate 2 Flailing Monkeys, but, the deserts did indeed save the day. They had a good variety of them to appease most tastes and were in good supply to satisfy your sweet tooth. 3 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Variety
Let's just say their choices could have been more limited, but it would have been a push. The one place where you would expect a lot of variety would have been the buffet, but, it just wasn't happening there. Oh, each day they changed their menu, but, it was weird. One day for lunch they had cornish game hens next to curried goat. Many people won't eat either. That leaves the fried fish or the pasta with a marinara sauce (which they had every day). Their "salad" bar consisted of a heap of lettuce, a vegetable medley and some other vegetable medley. Their "sandwich bar" consisted of someone standing there with a container of tuna fish, some bologna and ham with some fixings. One day they had tacos, which was a plus and were a big hit. But, on the whole, their choices were very limited. 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Quantity
With a buffet and a short order grill available, quantity isn't that much of a problem, until you start talking about the two "Reservations Only" restaurants. The quantities there were small, leaving us to trying to get into the buffet after the first one we tried, and for the second restaurant, eating at the buffet an hour before we went to it. The Chinese restaurant in particular was the worst. I ordered the spare ribs as an appetizer with the spring rolls. I get one spring roll cut in half (a small spring roll at that) and two ribs, which if you put them together would result in the length of my thumb. Maybe. The entrees weren't much better. I got the pork lo mein. What I got was less than a pint of lo mein. Everyone else got about the same, but at least they got rice with theirs. Mine is a PASTA DISH! How can you slight on pasta??? Anyway, lucky for them they had the short order grill and buffet, otherwise this would be a lot smaller number. 3 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Cost
It was all inclusive, so, no money required for food. Automatic 5 Flailing Monkeys
Booze
Quality
As I said before, they had some top shelf stuff, but the bulk of it was cheap local stuff. Boxed wine. Red Stripe beer. No name spiced rum. 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Variety
Yes, they had beer. Yes, they had wine. Yes, they had some hard alcohol and some of it was indeed top shelf, but it was all lacking. Beer - Red Stripe and Light Red Stripe. That's it. Wine - White from a box. Rum - Can you believe we're in Jamaica and all they have is spiced rum? AND, no Captain Morgan's! So, yes, they had the booze. Did they have a good variety of it? No, not really. But, it was better than just beer and wine and they made mixed drinks with what they had. 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Quantity
All inclusive = open bar. Never had to worry about the amount of booze. If you had a big thermos, no problem. They'd fill it with whatever you want. 5 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Cost
Once again, All inclusive = open bar. All booze is free. Can't beat that. 5 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Grounds
Pools
There were three pools at the resort, two of which shared a swim up bar. The third was off on it's own. This resort also hosts two slides, which were quite fun to ride down, which emptied into the "Lazy River". Unfortunately, the Lazy River was anything but lazy. I tried reclining on a tube while there and ended up smacking my head against the concrete edge of the pool. I think a slight modification to the edge of the pool to sweep away from the pool instead of a lip reaching into the pool would be much better. The only things lacking, for me, in the pools were A) a deep end and B) sun cover. I understand "A" is asking for a lot, given the liability increase when alcohol is present and the need for life guards, but it would have still been fun. "B" however, I can fully hold the resort responsible for. There were two trees near the smaller pool we mostly stuck to. No umbrellas there. For those of us who burn easily, this wasn't that great. Overall, though, the pools were warm and the staff were noticable at cleaning the pool when bugs, coconut leaves, etc fell in. The chlorine content wasn't high, so, it didn't feel like your eyes were on fire. 4 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Beach
This resort boasted three different beach areas. One was split over two small protected coves while the other two were facing the ocean, one of which was "au natural", ie: Nude Beach. The Au Natural beach was a good distance away, as would be expected, from the main resort, while the other two beaches were easly accessible. Seaweed beds varied from 30 to 50 feet from the beach, while the beach itself was a mixture of fine sand and the occasional gravel. The beaches were kept clean of loose seaweed and a coral reef stood about 100 yards of the beach with freely available snorkle gear to access it. Kayaks and paddle boats were also provided for accessing the reef. The water was warm and quite clear while we were there. Only gripe was the gravel and coral mixed in with the sand (not much they can do about it with the reef nearby) and the closeness of the seaweed beds. There might be environmental reasons for having it that close, but, as a beach goer, it was a bit of a pain. 4 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Scenery
The scenery in Montego Bay is amazing. With mountains to the south west of the resort and surrounded by the bay (as seen on this map), it provided outstanding vistas. The only thing bad is, it's, after all, Jamaica. There's slums. The resort was surrounded by fences with barbed wire on them. It's a third world country and you're just visiting. 4 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Entertainment
They tried. They really did, but it just seemed amateur. They had what seemed like a revolving door of one man bands playing in the lobby in the evenings. One night they had a Reggae band playing on this little stage, too. Unfortunately, I don't like reggae that much. They tried setting up these games as well, but, unless you're a drunk sorority girl on spring break, most of their games aren't that appealing. Musical Chairs? Scavenger Hunt? Scavenger Hunt mixed with Musical Chairs? Like I said, it just seemed really amateur. They had a white board where they would write down the day's activities. One side was for adults, one side was for kids. Frankly, I would have enjoyed the kids' side a lot more than the adults'. 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys
Rooms
The rooms were just like ordinary hotel rooms. Nothing fancy. The regular TV with the sound problems (too quiet all the time, except for when you hit the volume button one too many times and it sky rockets). The King size bed where the bed covers keep coming out. The bathtub which hasn't been replaced in 10 years. It was just mediocre. At least it had a small patio. To make matters worse, there are no clocks in the rooms. No radios. No CD players. Nothing. TV. Hair dryer. Iron. Phone. That's the full extent of the electronic devices in the room. How about the courtesy bars and bottles of soap, shampoo and conditioner you get everywhere? Here, they have a dispenser mounted to the wall of the bathroom above the sink and another mounted to the wall of the tub. Talk about class... 2 out of 5 Flailing Monkeys. If I was stuck in the first room I went to, it would have been 1.
Extras/Excursions	N/A
I didn't really investigate or take any of the excursions available, so, I'll refrain from judging them. The costs on them seemed a bit expensive when I looked at them ($60 seemed to be the median price for everything from running quads to jet skying to riding horses), so, I opted out on everything except the massage. S. and I got His and Hers Full Body Massages. It cost us $120 for 45 minute massages. It felt nice. My masseuse (I believe his name was Wayne) said I was very tight and I need to stretch more often. Yeah, big surprise. So, anyway, I'm refraining from judging the resort based on their Extras.

So, that brings us to the final countup for everything.

Service
Front Desk
Bar
Restaurant Availability
Cost
Food
Quality
Variety
Quantity
Cost
Booze
Quality
Variety
Quantity
Cost
Grounds
Pools
Beach
Scenery
Entertainment
Rooms
Extras/Excursions	N/A
Overall Rating

There you have it. An overall rating of 3.3 out of 5 for the resort. Completely average. If they just did a little something to make the guests comfortable, it would easily pump this resort up a bit. Increase the variety of food. Make the buffet open from 7:00 - 10:00. Get some pool waitresses. Increase the staffing at the front desk. Put a clock in the rooms. Do a little more planning on the activities. Get some variety with the beers. Is Budweiser really that expensive to import to Jamaica?

As it seemed, this resort is happy to be average. Since it's so average, I'm going to spend my money elsewhere next year where I can get a little more bang for my buck.